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Only this last fortnight, I realised that I have been coming out of a period of depression. It goes like that, sometimes, I only realise it when it's practically over. There are signs, but I missed them this time.
It's a strangely egotistical existence, watching oneself always to see how one is thinking/behaving/living. No wonder I slip up.
We saw some old friends this summer. It was lovely. It was tiring. More and more, I resent explaining. Why haven't we done this? Or that? Mostly they're asking why we haven't been on more holidays (one can only say 'can't afford it' or 'I don't travel well' so often) and I know they're really saying 'Why haven't you done what we have done? Why haven't you done what we would have done in your place?' To which the answer 'we aren't you' is never acceptable it seems. (Still can't spell aparantly, apparently, apparrently)
And besides, why should I keep telling people that I'm in too much pain to travel far? Why can't they remember? Why why why. Why oh why oh why? 'cos people are people. Can't complain that people are being people. Well, obviously I can, as I am, but there's no point, I suppose.
It's just that there are times when it seems that everything I am, or do, or experience, has to be explained. I've spent some time with psychologists over the last few years who have explained that I am not entirely 'normal' in the way I think, that it is because of early experiences and developmental differences and that the most I could ever hope to be - after therapy - is 'two-thirds normal'. That's ok. I can live with that. It means I'm always trying to understand normal, while normal looks at me askance, but people have been looking at, judging, criticising, condemning me for decades now; I'm used to that.
But we're not really talking about abnormal when we talk about our lives, me and Spouse. We like our home, for instance. We like reading, relaxing with the dogs, feeling the sun on our faces and seeing the difference every season makes to our surroundings. When weekends and holidays and time-off of any kind come round, it's a chance to enjoy our home, garden, locality. But we enjoy a day at the beach with the animals as much as a day in the garden with same. We have friends who seem to think that's weird - they can't wait to get away from home - days out, weekends away, weeks abroad. We think that's weird. Mutual incomprehensibility.
They try to understand, sometimes. They assume we have to stay home because we have no money. And it's true that we have no money. And if we had money, I'm sure there are things that we would like to do. Spouse would love to got to a Formula 1 race or two, for example. I would like to go to Mars. :)
It's also true that going abroad, or even far afield in this country, is problematic for entirely other reasons. I'm in pain. I will always be in pain. I will always find it difficult to travel far, and will always need extra time (which equals expense) added to any schedule for recovery, for taking a break and easing off, for sleep and relaxation and painkillers just to keep the level of pain down at a level where I can function. And there I'm starting to get angry again. Because I'm explaining. Explaining why I'm not the 'norm'. Sod that. Where was I? Moaning. Oh yes.
I'm making it my business to at least present alternatives to younger generations of family and friends. When they start asking the questions that are based on their parents' assumptions "why aren't you doing this", "why are you doing that"?; then I point out that these are not the only options in life. They are often shocked. If nothing else, I can be an irritant. Maybe it'll stop me getting angrier. And explaining.
It's a strangely egotistical existence, watching oneself always to see how one is thinking/behaving/living. No wonder I slip up.
We saw some old friends this summer. It was lovely. It was tiring. More and more, I resent explaining. Why haven't we done this? Or that? Mostly they're asking why we haven't been on more holidays (one can only say 'can't afford it' or 'I don't travel well' so often) and I know they're really saying 'Why haven't you done what we have done? Why haven't you done what we would have done in your place?' To which the answer 'we aren't you' is never acceptable it seems. (Still can't spell aparantly, apparently, apparrently)
And besides, why should I keep telling people that I'm in too much pain to travel far? Why can't they remember? Why why why. Why oh why oh why? 'cos people are people. Can't complain that people are being people. Well, obviously I can, as I am, but there's no point, I suppose.
It's just that there are times when it seems that everything I am, or do, or experience, has to be explained. I've spent some time with psychologists over the last few years who have explained that I am not entirely 'normal' in the way I think, that it is because of early experiences and developmental differences and that the most I could ever hope to be - after therapy - is 'two-thirds normal'. That's ok. I can live with that. It means I'm always trying to understand normal, while normal looks at me askance, but people have been looking at, judging, criticising, condemning me for decades now; I'm used to that.
But we're not really talking about abnormal when we talk about our lives, me and Spouse. We like our home, for instance. We like reading, relaxing with the dogs, feeling the sun on our faces and seeing the difference every season makes to our surroundings. When weekends and holidays and time-off of any kind come round, it's a chance to enjoy our home, garden, locality. But we enjoy a day at the beach with the animals as much as a day in the garden with same. We have friends who seem to think that's weird - they can't wait to get away from home - days out, weekends away, weeks abroad. We think that's weird. Mutual incomprehensibility.
They try to understand, sometimes. They assume we have to stay home because we have no money. And it's true that we have no money. And if we had money, I'm sure there are things that we would like to do. Spouse would love to got to a Formula 1 race or two, for example. I would like to go to Mars. :)
It's also true that going abroad, or even far afield in this country, is problematic for entirely other reasons. I'm in pain. I will always be in pain. I will always find it difficult to travel far, and will always need extra time (which equals expense) added to any schedule for recovery, for taking a break and easing off, for sleep and relaxation and painkillers just to keep the level of pain down at a level where I can function. And there I'm starting to get angry again. Because I'm explaining. Explaining why I'm not the 'norm'. Sod that. Where was I? Moaning. Oh yes.
I'm making it my business to at least present alternatives to younger generations of family and friends. When they start asking the questions that are based on their parents' assumptions "why aren't you doing this", "why are you doing that"?; then I point out that these are not the only options in life. They are often shocked. If nothing else, I can be an irritant. Maybe it'll stop me getting angrier. And explaining.