Spouse is off for the week leading up to my birthday; which makes it nice and relaxing in early winter. Of course, we spoil it all by going off to do the xmas shopping. Actually, I've done most of it online already, but there is always a couple left - usually the most difficult persons to buy for. We were successful in a very little time and we went for coffee and a sandwich (and a cinnamon swirl for me. mmmmm. Can't remember the last time I had a cinnamon swirl.) As we chatted over coffee, Spouse admitted that he didn't know what to get me (bearing in mind he has to get both birthday and xmas pressie for me) and said I should hint - or rather just point and say 'I want that'. So, I reminded him of the handbag I'd admired in the first shop we were in. He nodded sagely.
After coffee, we wandered along to the small Currys shop and as we went through the door, Spouse jokingly said, "Fancy a Smart TV?"
"Don't," I said. "I've been thinking about that lately."
"Me too," he said, surprised.
So I wandered round the gadgets and thought, "Got that. Had that, it was rubbish. Don't need that. Got one of those for Spouse for **xmas." Eventually, I ended up looking at the TV's at the back of the shop. I heard Spouse clearing his throat a few yards away and found him, entranced, looking at a Panasonic smart telly.
"We could get that for ourselves for xmas."***
Spouse knew I had already got him a present.
"I like it too, I'll share it with you," I said.
So we had a chat about the telly. And what it would take to put into our living room. We decided to wait until tomorrow and, after going to the grandson's nativity play at his school, pop into our local (giant) Curry's on the way home.
We talked about what we could do with the old telly. It's not ancient, and works.
"I was thinking about putting it on the wall behind your desk. Though you'd have to lose one of your other monitors. The left-hand one can be turned to portrait mode for text work," Spouse was musing as we hit the Western Bypass. I liked that idea.
After kicking this around for a bit we decided I really needed a bigger desk. We've got a bigger desk - in the garage. So Spouse decided he didn't need the desk in the garage any longer and we could bring that in. and put the present desk at 90 degrees to it and I'd have loads of space for all my 'paraphernalia' as he called it. (I did point out that we were going to Ikea at some time during the week. They have desks. My words may have fallen on deaf ears).
"I don't really use my desk and computer in the study," he acknowledged that I could expand into his part of the room. "And I could get rid of a lot of stuff in the garage, especially if I lose the desk."
So we came home and set about measuring and so on.

The Baby Bro and family are moving house pretty soon. Anxiety abounds as it's xmas etc. It will probably be a lot less of an upheaval than we're planning. I wonder how long it will take.


**Ssssshhhh.

***We were originally going to get a coffee machine for ourselves for xmas but my finger accidentally fell on the Buy Now button last month and I've already installed it and taught the niece how to use it and ....

Monday night is yoga night. As the Spouse has unexpectedly been put on back-shift for the next few weeks, this is the first time I've gone out and left the dogs at home on their own in the evening. I put the radio on, a rock station so they're used to the sound (the Spouse has Planet Rock on when he's home, it's good for the tinnitus), and then gave them a treat and left. I wondered if I'd worry about them too much to get the full benefit of the yoga but no, I was pretty much ok very quickly. It helped we were doing things that I'm confident in. I left feeling a bit taller, much more relaxed and breathing from the bottom of my lungs again. Came home and found the dogs occupying one sofa a-piece and happy I came home. It's a lovely feeling, both the welcome and the feeling of fitness. Not one I've had for many of the decades so far.

The Spouse, of course, is ahead of me in gym work. He started losing weight in the Spring, when he went for a medical for the new job. Last month he joined a gym and last week I went down and had a look around, a bit of a try on various things I recognised from the physiotherapy gym at UHND. Then I hit the sauna and the showers. I must admit, I felt pretty good about it. So - I joined up too. The induction session was at the weekend and I'll be off for my first proper session tomorrow. I reckon short sessions on each of the useful machines to start with, gradually becoming long if possible, over time (lots of time).

As and added incentive, Youngest Daughter (she who is on course to be Queen of the World) has just got engaged, so I've a wedding to get fit for. And hats. Lots of looking at hats.
I like hats.



* I just went to post this and was thoroughly startled to read an option for 'Composting Settings'.
Ahem. I did have my eyes checked, yes I did. Crossposting is way less interesting, though.

Lots happening at the moment : got new laptop, hereinafter named Plato, so that's nice. Been to the South to see daughters 1 and 3, their partners, and my wonderful grand-daughters. Took Jack, his second such trip, and he's been as good as he was last year. So we're rewarding him with a little sister*. If all goes well - hoops to go through yet - we should be joined by a nine-month-old little lady. Spouse had the naming privileges this time and he came up with Ginger. Jack and Ginger. They have met up twice now, another tomorrow, and they like to play. When they're walking along, side-by-side, ahead of the slow humans, she nudges Jack with her shoulder as if sharing a joke. He loves it.


*this will not be an annual event.

Every so often I get these delusions of competence. As the Spouse was trying to fix something on his car, I thought I'd not wait for him but go and do the shopping by myself. Am I not fitter than I ever was? (Sort of) Don't I do yoga and walk kilometres a day? (I do). Haven't I forgotten why there's a walking stick handy in the porch? Yup.
So having sharp pains jagging down my leg from my hip whilst driving home, I remembered why pushing a trolley with heavy shopping and lifting said shopping into car was beyond me. Sigh.

On the plus side - er - nope. Can't think of anything positive just there.

A conversation on twitter caught my eye today. In an exchange about how differently one person's brain works from another (in respect of reading whatever is in front of you, a subject I have things to say about but not here and now) julesjones (waves) mentioned being told "not everyone's brain works like yours". It's a subject I've thought about recently, after being told how my brain works, and how it's not like others'.
According to experts in these things, a childhood lived in fear affects how the brain develops. Your mind -arising from that configuation - is therefore not 'normal'. Now, 'normal' is not any one thing, it is a range, and anyone can be even an extreme outlier on that range and still be 'normal'. So it is hard to talk about this to other people, I've been struggling as I've tried to discuss it with friends, as the common response seems to be 'oh we all do that' or 'everyone does that'. And it is true. Everyone forgets things. Everyone has events within their experience that they have no memory of. To say - I forget things, or - more accurately - to say 'I don't remember' means more than 'I am forgetful' or even that I'm getting older. It was explained to me that so much of my experience has simply never been written into my memory. Not long-term. As a coping mechanism, a way to deal in the moment. It means - what does it mean? I've lived a life in a version of 'fight or flight'. It's been called 'fear mode' or 'danger mode' where every event is analysed in the same way and reacted to accordingly. My reactions to events are over-reactions, or under-reactions. The only difference I can see these days is now that I know it I can consider each event or ask, a daughter or two, for instance, 'am I over-reacting' or 'am I over-thinking' something. Or, of course, 'should I be getting angry about this?'.
It's really a strange new world for us, my brain and me. Perhaps everyone else felt like this sometime in their teens or early twenties, learning how to cope with the world, understanding themselves and experiencing their lives in different ways, learning how to react. I'm in my fifties, and learning like a teen. No, - not entirely - there must be some plasticity there, or I could not find it in me to make changes at all - but my brain is largely set now, as developed as it will be. But is that the same as saying my mind is set to the same degree? I don't think so. I'm not sure why I think that. But I do.
I probably need to think more on this.

I've had this account for a long while (longer than I thought) but it was a backup; most of the people I follow or who followed me were on Livejournal so I stayed there mostly. Now, the balance has tipped and most have come to dreamwidth. So here I am.

For some reason I was looking back over my blog entries for this time last year. We were full of hope for the new baby (wonderfully fulfilled by the arrival of Lovely Grandson)and relief at getting MiL into flat with no stairs and various aids to living in place. A year later and it's almost painful to read how happy we were to be 'getting it sorted'. It isn't sorted at all of course.

I'm waiting at home while the Spouse and the Baby Bro visit MiL in hospital. We all know now that the flat was a good move, for a short time, but is now inadequate. She has someone to come in and help with housework twice a week but she usually says 'not much needs doing' or does it vefore they arrive. Mostly, she forgets about hygiene in the kitchen and we live in terror of her giving herself food-poisoning. Whenever I'm there I try to do a surreptitious clean and I find that Sis in Law does the same. Her sons tend not to notice, or think it matters, until it's pointed out to them. Forcefully.

We think the next stage may have to be assisted living, if not straight-out care in a home. I hate the idea of doing that; especially with the reports of abuses and neglect we've seen recently. but I don't want her falling and killing herself all on her own either.
None of us have a house without stairs, which she can't manage, and we don't have the money to move. BB has small children and he and Sis in Law work. Spouse works and I'm at home but physically I'm next to useless. I can drive her places - as long as my arthritis doesn't make it impossible. I can check up on her - as long as the asthma is under control. I'm pretty good at forms and letters and official documents, but if she falls over, or even is just having a bad day and can't get off the sofa, I can't lift her, raise her at all.And more than once she's fallen on me, so that I ended up more damaged than she did.

The scary thing is how easily she forgets things. She forgets that the reason she forgets is the series of mini-strokes. She forgets who spoke to her on the phone, and what they wanted. She can't remember what she's agreed to, and will happily allow herself to be persuaded of anything by someone with enough confidence - or fraudulent intent. There are days when she is bright and happy and can chat away nicely. She's still a lot slower and often loses track of her thoughts but she's generally ok. And then there are days when she cannot make the connection from the words the woman at the checkout say, to the purse in her hand, to the notes she pulls out. she, who was always so on-the-ball with money, sometimes can't identify a ten pound note. We have found her v. upset by a demand for money from, say, the gas company, but when we look it's not a demand, it's a refund and it's dated a year ago. I could go on but it's clear, I think, that she needs help. We can pop in and out as often as we can, and that is quite often all things considered, but she can fall in the blink of an eye, from a safe standing po9ition, and still hit her head or break her neck, or her arm. She has now fallen so badly, and so often on her right arm that it doesn't work any more. She cannot lift it at all, it's painful, and dreadfully difficult to dress/undress or get up and down out of beds and chairs.

I know there are thousands of families going through this at any one time. Hundreds of thousands probably, yet no one really talks about it when it happens. You don't get details and have no idea what to expect. So I'm trying to put down as much as I can here, in the hope that someone else will find it useful. Even if it's only to say - oh that happens to other people too.

Today I thought I was fine so when the Ma in Law asked to make a trip to the bank, I was agreeable. She stumbled coming out of the flat and almost went her length. She tends to set her eyes on her destination and set off straight for it, this would be fine if everything was in straight lines. The path to her gate is not, so she falls off the edge. Practically every time. So a bit of concreting to do, I reckon.

We got into town and parked, then I negotiated the way to the bank. I swear there isn't a decent stretch of flat, even, well-maintained path in the whole of Chester le Street. I was a nervous wreck. Luckily we got through it with no damage, to MiL.

Me, my nerves were shot and I'm not sure if the driving, or that she was on my arm for the walking, or just the tension, but tonight is pain night, it appears. Oh joy. I'm off to bed to read a John Ringo book. If that doesn't take my mind of my hurts, nothing will.

Am saving my just-arrived copy of Mary Robinette Kowal's Glamour in Glass as a treat to enjoy when I'm better. And I've downloaded the missing first sentence as a bookmark.

I have just driven down to Chester le Street (petrol cost), parked (parking cost) to pick something from the Post Office that was apparently sent with insufficient postage. Fine, I understand that people should put the correct postage on. It was short 12p + £1 'handling fee' (which appears to be a fine on the innocent recipient). All this is very irritating. But I happen to know that item was sent on 15th March. I was notified on 28th. I can see that it can take an extra couple of days to process - but 13 days! No wonder people are switching to ecards. I'm betting next Mothers' Day my daughter doesn't put it in the post.

Two things. One: Why is LJ suddenly not working? I get basic page content, no header or menubar. Other pages are ok.

Two: In old-fashioned dancing - or country-dancing for that matter - where men and women line up facing each other and then a couple from the top of the line dance together down to the bottom, what is this called. For some reason the phrase 'en passage' is in my head and I don't think that's it. I know nothing about dancing terms. I suppose I should really do a bit of research. But then, you know, there's the grandson. He smiles at me.